Did you know that approximately 7 in 10 ongoing disagreements in marriage stem from personality differences? (Gottman, Gottman, and DeClaire, 2007). This suggests that marital conflict arises largely from fundamental differences in how partners think, feel, and behave, rather than from specific issues or events. So how can couples gently navigate these differences and build a stronger, more connected relationship?
Understand your partner’s personality
Recognising personality traits as innate rather than intentional can reduce blame and create space for empathy in a relationship. How well do you understand your partner’s personality? There are assessment tools like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the Enneagram, or the Big Five Personality Traits which can provide helpful insights and spark constructive conversations. Use this opportunity to find out how your partner’s personality impacts their communication style. For instance, extroverts might need to talk to process their thoughts when resolving an issue while introverts prefer to think through an issue on their own before discussing it with others. Without this awareness, we may misread intentions and create distance where there could be connection.
Appreciate each other’s personality
Instead of trying to change your partner’s personality, what if we leaned into appreciating what makes each of us different? Every personality trait has a gift to offer. Learn to express appreciation for your partner’s unique qualities regularly. Yes, including traits that sometimes frustrate you which may be part of what makes your relationship dynamic and complete. A more spontaneous partner can inject fun and excitement into the everyday mundane routine. A partner who is more detailed can help to avoid unnecessary stress when planning for a family holiday. Navigating personality and communication styles in marriage is not about becoming the same, it is about learning how to appreciate each other’s differences and complement one another.
Adapt and grow together
When couples approach each other with appreciation and curiosity, they naturally begin to grow together. Partners who prefer to look at the big picture can learn to adapt to their partners’ preference to focus on details and see how it can enhance their decision-making process. Such couples often experience deeper intimacy and trust. While personality traits remain relatively stable, communication skills can be developed over time. Consider signing up for marital counseling or marriage enrichment workshop to pick up skills to strengthen your relationship and grow together as a couple. Investing time and care into your relationship doesn’t just solve problems—it builds a foundation for joy and closeness that lasts.
Ever wonder why people describe their partner as the “better half”? I think it is to convey a sense of admiration for the positive and unique contribution the partner brings which enhances the relationship. When was the last time you expressed your appreciation to your “better half”?
If you’re looking to strengthen your marital relationship and need counselling support, reach out to any FAM@FSC Centre. Our experienced counsellors are here to help you build a stronger, more loving relationship that benefits both you and your children.
Written by Eileen Chua, Senior Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services
Reference
Gottman, J., Gottman, J. S., and DeClaire, J. (2007). “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage”. New York: Harmony Books.
