Why do couples quarrel? Is it simply because of differences in opinions? Character flaws? A lack of emotional safety? Or perhaps poor communication skills? These are questions many couples quietly carry in their hearts, especially when conflict begins to feel tiring or discouraging.
When I ask couples what they argue about most, many say it is over “small things” or “bad habits”. Examples include how laundry is folded, lights not being switched off, or eating “unhealthy” food. If these issues are so minor, why do they still lead to arguments? Most couples admit the issues are not worth the fight, yet they also say, “I can’t help it – it’s just too annoying.” In many homes, these small moments slowly build up, not because they truly matter, but because something deeper is left unspoken.
So should couples avoid conflict altogether? And if not, what kind of fights are worth having? Perhaps a more helpful question is how can couples move through conflict in a way that brings them closer, rather than further apart?
Before answering these questions, it helps to understand the nature of conflict.
First, conflict is uncomfortable and can affect our emotional well-being. It hurts and often triggers fears of rejection or inadequacy. When we feel hurt, it is often because the relationship matters deeply to us.
Second, conflict is a signal that something important matters to us. Often, it reflects different needs within the relationship. One partner may desire closeness, reassurance, and emotional expression, while the other may value space, independence, and thoughtful decision-making. These differences are natural in relationships. In fact, these differences can be a strength when couples learn to understand and support one another.
Third, conflict is co-created. It rarely begins with one person alone. Instead, it emerges from patterns of interaction between two people. One response triggers another, creating a cycle that feeds on itself. Over time, these patterns can become familiar, even if they are painful.
Finally, conflict often arises because of the need for intimacy. In many cases, it begins as a bid for connection that did not land well. When that bid is misunderstood, frustration replaces connection. What starts as “Do you care about me?” can quickly turn into “Why are you like this?”
In other words, during conflict, your spouse is not the enemy or at fault. Conflict is simply a signal that something in the relationship needs attention. It is a call to pause, listen, and reconnect.
So how can couples respond differently and grow through conflict?
One helpful approach is to focus on CALM conversations.
Clarify meaning.
Many arguments are not really about the issue itself, but the meaning we attach to it. For example, if you come home late, your partner may sound upset but underneath that perceived criticism, it may be worry. In response, you may defend yourself by explaining how hard you are working for the family, which your partner might then interpret as dismissive of their concern. What began as care can quickly turn into disconnection.
To clarify meaning, ask questions that begin with “what” rather than “why”. For instance, instead of saying, “Why are you so upset?” you might say, “You seem worried. What’s on your mind?” Another useful skill is reflective listening: “What I hear you saying is that you were worried when I came home late. Did I understand you correctly?” Clarifying meaning helps couples understand the needs behind each other’s words.
Accept responsibility.
Conflict is often co-created, with both partners contributing in small ways. Accepting responsibility does not mean taking all the blame. It means noticing how our responses may have added to the tension. For example, you say something to your partner, and they reply with “What?” because they did not hear you clearly. You may interpret the tone as impatience and respond sharply, saying, “Why are you so rude?” In reality, there was no intention to offend. If one partner acknowledges that the response sounded abrupt and the other recognises that they reacted too quickly, the tension can quickly dissolve. These moments of humility help build trust and remind couples they are on the same team.
Load kindness.
Kindness acts as a protective buffer during difficult conversations. Even when emotions run high, speaking with gentleness, respect, and warmth can keep the relationship safe. For instance, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” a kinder approach might be, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with chores lately. Could you help me with the laundry?”. The real issue is often not the task itself but the feeling of support during stressful moments. When couples remember that they value and care for each other, kindness helps difficult conversations remain constructive.
Make peace.
Making peace happens both at the start and at the end of conflict. Sometimes arguments escalate because of a harsh tone or careless words that trigger a sense of threat. When this happens, our bodies go into a fight-or-flight response, making it harder to think clearly. During this state, the brain focuses on protection rather than clear thinking. One helpful strategy is to take a short time-out. Couples can agree to pause the conversation for about 20 minutes so both can calm down and allow their bodies to reset. This is not walking away but giving the relationship space to breathe. During this time, it helps to engage in relaxing activities rather than replaying the argument in one’s mind. Once calm, the conversation can resume with greater clarity and kindness. And when conflicts do occur—which they inevitably will—making peace also involves apologising and forgiving. Apologising means acknowledging our contribution to the conflict, while forgiveness is an act of compassion toward both our partner and ourselves.
Let us return to the earlier questions: Should couples avoid fights? And what fights are worth having?
Conflict itself is not something to avoid. In fact, it can help couples understand each other more deeply and strengthen their connection. Your marriage is worth fighting for—but fight with CALM conversations: Clarify meaning, Accept responsibility, Load kindness, and Make peace.
Conflict may be painful, but it can also deepen understanding. Healthy relationships grow not by asking, “Who is causing the problem?” but by asking, “What is happening between us?” The goal is not to win the argument, but to strengthen the connection.
Written by: Timothy Thong, Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services
If you’re looking to strengthen your marital relationship and need counselling support, reach out to [email protected] or Tel: 62355229. Our experienced counsellors are here to help you build a stronger, more loving relationship that benefits both you and your children.
References
(1) Weber E, Hülür G. The Role of Relationship Conflict for Momentary Loneliness and Affect in the Daily Lives of Older Couples. J Soc Pers Relat. 2023 Jul; doi: 10.1177/02654075221138022.
(2) https://milnepublishing.geneseo.edu/interpersonalcommunication/chapter/9/
(3) https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/
(4) https://conflict-resolution-training.com/blog/kindness-in-conflict-resolution/
