Beyond the “Fix-it” Instinct: Parenting with L.O.V.E.

Jan 30, 2026

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My son came home after his prelims and sat heavily at the dining table. He looked upset, didn’t say a word and sat down in silence and waited. Every parental instinct wanted to ask, “How did the paper go today?” but something told me to hold back.

We sat in that heavy silence until he finally said softly, “I messed up.” A dozen questions and “what could have been” raced through my mind. But then I remembered how I felt many years ago when I had also stumbled during an exam. All I needed then was understanding and comfort. So, instead of lecturing, for a moment, I sat with him. For that moment, silence was enough.

From Fixers to Partners

When our children are young, they depend on us to keep them safe and cared for. We are master problem-solvers: we bandage scraped knees and find tutors for additional support. As busy parents, we often default to the most efficient solution: advice. “Do this, don’t do that.”

But as children grow into their teenage years, they need our presence more than advice. Whether it’s a listening ear for an extroverted child to bounce ideas off, or a quiet shoulder for a teen to cry on, our presence often speaks louder than our words. We can parent with empathy by remembering the L.O.V.E. acronym:

L – Listen Actively

Active listening involves giving someone your full attention, instead of just hearing their words while thinking about what to say next. It helps the other person feel seen, heard, and understood. To practise active listening, it requires us to:

Set aside distractions: Put away distractions like your phone. Your goal is understanding how they feel, not to “win” the interaction by trying to fix the problem or prove a point.
Be mindful of Body Language: Maintain an “open” posture, nod, and smile.
Reflect and Clarify: Periodically paraphrase what you’ve heard. Try: “It sounds like you’re saying…” or “I can hear how frustrating this has been for you.” This ensures you are on the same page before you respond.

O – Observe Non-Verbal Language

Children and teens often “speak” with their bodies before they use their words.

Notice the small signs: A teen might keep a calm face while shaking their leg, showing they feel anxious inside. A child might look away not out of disrespect, but to process complex emotions without feeling pressured.
The Parallel Approach: If direct eye contact feels too intense for your teen, try the “parallel approach”—talk while washing dishes or doing the laundry. These moments can feel safer and make sharing easier.
The 5-Second Rule: Wait five seconds before responding to a comment. This “dead space” often prompts a child to “leak” a non-verbal cue—a sigh, a smile, or a fidget—that reveals their true feelings.

V – Validate Their Feelings

Validation helps build a connection. When a child feels understood, they feel safer and are more open to calming down and thinking through what to do next.

Note: Validating is not the same as agreeing with their behaviour; it is acknowledging their internal experience.

For Young Children: Help them name the “big feeling.” “You are stomping your feet. You are frustrated that you can’t find your favourite toy.”
For Pre-Teens: Help them make sense of the “Why.” “It makes sense that you feel left out since you weren’t invited to that group outing.”
For Teens: Prioritize curiosity over correction. “I can see you’re overwhelmed by this final exam. That’s a lot of pressure to carry.”

E – Encourage with Empathy

Encouragement is different from praise. Praise focuses on results (the “A” on the test), while empathetic encouragement focuses on effort and character.

Internal Motivation: Move from “I’m proud of you” to “You look so proud of how you played the game today. How did that feel?”
The “Notice and Name” Method: Be specific. “I noticed how you kept trying to tie your laces even when it was frustrating. You really stuck with it.”
Daily Micro-Encouragement: Don’t wait for a trophy. Use “Character Checks” (“I love your creative mind”) or “Presence Checks” (“I really enjoy your company while I cook dinner”).

The Power of an Empathetic Word

As a parent, I have made many mistakes along the way. I’ve had to apologise for raising my voice or jumping to conclusions. But apologising teaches an important lesson: our children can be kind to themselves when they make mistakes, too.

Recently, at a busy fast-food outlet, I saw a toddler whining and kicking his feet in frustration. His mother was visibly upset and embarrassed. As I collected my order, I turned to the toddler and said gently, “It sounds like you’re feeling really hungry and tired.”

The toddler paused and looked at me. The mother sighed, “Yes, it’s almost his bedtime.” I replied, “I can imagine how tiring that is for both of you.” By the time I left, the whining had stopped. Sometimes, what every one of us—toddler, teen, or parent—needs is simply to be seen and understood in our struggle.

That day, my son eventually shared what happened during his prelims paper and identified what he could do differently next time. He felt clearer about how to improve to do better and went on to sit for his final exam and was satisfied with his performance.

Which part of the L.O.V.E. framework feels most natural to you, and which is the hardest to practice? Parenting is a journey we don’t have to take alone. We invite you to share your stories of “empathy wins” or even the “messy moments” where you had to try again.

Try This Week’s Challenge: Sometime this week, use the 5-Second Rule. When your child or teen finishes a sentence, count to five in your head before responding. See what “non-verbal” truths come to the surface!

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