If my spouse and I go by a day without talking over breakfast or an evening stroll around the neighbourhood, we feel the difference. Our patience grows thinner, our words become sharper and bickering over small matters increases.
Does this sound familiar in your marriage too? Glad that I am not alone.
This drift in marriage is part of the natural rhythm of life. Cycling through the troughs and peaks are expected in relationships. More so when it comes to marriage, one that involves deep physical and emotional intimacy. What raises my eyebrows is when the marriage experiences stays longer in the troughs, and less often and shorter at the peaks. The arguments becomes more intense. The silence between the verbal fights grows longer. The listener chooses to walk away, withdraws from the speaker or worse still, shuts down completely in the whole interaction. The couple has slowly turned away from each other. The ideal partner whom I married begins to feel more like a roommate in the house.
At this junction, if this emotional drift continues unaddressed, your marriage may start to feel like it is barely holding together. Moving towards destruction and a complete breakdown. Now, wait a minute, this is not what I would want my marriage to turn into! You may shout in protest. You want things to turn around.
So how can we turn things around before the marriage need emergency attention in the ICU ward?
- Fight for it – gently and intentionally.
You must make an effort to pursue your spouse once more. There may be forces coming from all corners that pull you away from spending time with your spouse.
- The big stormy ones: A job loss, a child falling sick or moving house. When time and money is in short supply, this can strain the relationship when we lose sight of our common goal that we are in this together.
- The small wavy ones: binge watching shows, doom-scrolling your handphone, or playing video games. These may appear harmless or even enjoyable activities but over time, they would have the similar effects of drifting you two apart.
- Take a break!
Things can feel easier said than done. When you are in the heat of the argument, when you are feeling emotionally drained, you just want to walk away from yet another repeated cycle. Yes, at these heated moments, you are feeling physiologically and emotionally flooded. Your stress hormones simply want to fight or flee. The best thing to do is to pause! But wait a moment, what if my spouse interprets as I am rejecting him/ her. It could escalate things further.
That concern is understandable. Indeed, according to Gottman’s antidote on stonewalling, he proposes what you really need to do is agreeahead of time on an appropriate and recognisable way to take a break. Think of a neutral signal that you and your partner can use in a conversation to let each other know when one of you feels flooded with emotion. This can be a word, a phrase, a physical motion, or simply raising both hands into a stop position. Come up with your own signal! I have a couple who proposed a simple hand STOP sign. Another one simply said that he needs a break. After that, both need to be respectful of whoever calls this break.
This break should last at least 20 minutes to allow both of you to settle and regain calm before coming back into the conversation.
- Deposit Love.
Learn about your spouse primary love languages and deposit love into the emotional bank daily.
- Words of affirmation – Use written or verbal words to express your appreciation and care for your spouse.
❦Tips: Send a thoughtful WhatsApp message during lunch break telling how much you appreciate your spouse for their support in balancing work and family.
❦Tips: At the end of a long day, you might say, “I’m proud of how hard you work for us,” while strolling along the neighbourhood.
- Acts of service – Do kind deeds for your spouse.
❦Tips: Help your spouse with household chores, like doing the laundry before she gets home, so she can relax.
❦Tips: Cook your spouse’s favourite dish after his long week, showing care through effort.
- Receiving gifts – Give thoughtful gifts to appreciate your spouse.
❦Tips: Surprise your spouse with her favourite pandan chiffon cake from after work.
❦Tips: Buys a small gadget from that helps with his hobby, showing she notices his interests.
- Quality & Quantity times – Both are needed to be present and engaged in moments as a couple.
❦Tips: Plan a weekend morning walk at East Coast Park, followed by breakfast at a hawker centre.
❦Tips: On Friday nights, set aside time to explore new exhibitions at the National Gallery Singapore, phones tucked away so can focus on each other.
- Physical touch – Apply the continuum of touches – Safe, Sensual and Sexual touches. All three are required to feel loved.
❦Tips: Holding hands while navigating the busy MRT commute together.
❦Tips: Sharing a warm hug before spouse leaves for work in the morning, grounding their day with closeness.
Even as a counsellor, my spouse and I have not perfected the above steps – there were times when we fell short. We allowed ourselves to be caught up with the waves of life and drifted apart. But over the years, we have intentionally built these connecting habits into our marriage life. When we notice we are drifting apart, we would take the steps to reconnect, to get back on track again. We are surely moving towards each other more in each small step we take. Remember – it is not natural; it takes intentional efforts. But it is worth every bit of effort!
Written by: Isabelle Ng, Assistant Senior Social Worker, Fei Yue Community Services
References
Retrieved 1st January 2026 https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/why-intentional-quality-time-matters/
Why Intentional, Quality Time Matters By Carlos Santiago
Retrieved 1st January 2026 from
The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling
Retrieved 1st January 2026 from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/
The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling
Understanding the 5 love languages could change your life! May 15,2019
By Jo Burgess
