Sitting across from me in the counselling room, Ned (not his real name), a father navigating a recent divorce, looked visibly upset and concerned. Once the divorce is finalised, he will be the access parent to his 9-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter, meaning he will spend time with them from Friday evenings to Sunday mornings. He grieves the loss of everyday moments with his children and wonders how this change will affect their relationship.
Ned’s experience is shared by many fathers. Many divorcing or divorced fathers who become access parents struggle with reduced contact and engagement with their children. If you find yourself in a similar situation, you may be navigating both the loss of your marriage and the loss of regular time with your children. It is natural to feel sadness during this transition. Healing takes time, and caring for your own emotional well-being is an important step forward.
How to Make the Most of Your Time with them?
Even with limited time together, it is possible to create meaningful and lasting connections with your children. Prioritise these moments and set aside other commitments where possible. Strive to be an engaged and present parent, rather than one who is physically there but emotionally distant or distracted.
Respecting the agreed schedule is important. If you are running late or delayed, inform the children’s mother promptly, and explain the situation to your children with a sincere apology. These actions demonstrate that they are a priority in your life. Being punctual when picking up and returning your children helps show reliability and models responsible behaviour. At the same time, flexibility is key. When changes are unavoidable, communicate early with both the children’s mother and your children.
Quality engagement matters. Create opportunities for your children to share about their lives—ask about their week, listen to their experiences, and show genuine interest in their thoughts, hobbies, and challenges. Joining them in activities they enjoy is often a meaningful way to strengthen your bond. Equally important is providing emotional support when they need it.
As children grow, so do their needs, interests and priorities. Consistent time spent together playing at home or at the playgrounds, and taking an interest in their hobbies will go a long way to build core memories for children. If interacting with your child seems difficult, you can start by taking part in parent-child bonding activities offered in schools or community organisations. These facilitated activities often require parents to help the child in a game or activity, offering opportunities for natural engagement.
For fathers of teenagers, it is common to find that friends and social activities begin to take precedence. It can feel painful when your children seem less eager to spend time with you. At the same time, this is a natural part of their development as they explore their independence and social world.
Co-parenting challenges can also be difficult to manage. There may be moments when interactions with your children’s mother trigger strong emotions. While this can be difficult, try to avoid speaking negatively about her in front of your children. They need the support and presence of both parents, and hearing negative remarks can create confusion and distress. Instead, focus on managing your emotions constructively. Even if the other parent speaks negatively about you, consider the example you want to set. Responding with hostility often deepens conflict and can make it harder to build the co-parenting relationship you are trying to build.
Some of these suggestions may feel difficult to achieve, especially in situations with ongoing conflict. Every father’s journey is unique. One father I worked with had a highly strained relationship with his child’s mother, which affected his consistency in maintaining access time and his relationship with his child. Over time, he chose to let go of his resentment and focus on rebuilding his bond with his child. By becoming more flexible and softening his communication with his co-parent, their interactions gradually became more cordial.
Navigating divorce as a father can feel like facing challenges on multiple fronts. This journey is rarely easy, but it is not without its rewards. At times, stepping into a “bigger self” and choosing the “higher road” can lead to better outcomes for both you and your children. Support is available—through counselling and support groups—to help you navigate this journey and build a secure, nurturing relationship with your children.
If you are going through a divorce and would like emotional support for yourself or your children, reach out to us via [email protected] or call us at 62355229. We provide free counselling and support group programmes for divorcing/divorced families.
Written by: Hoe Su Chien, Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services
