We’ve all heard the saying, “Marriage is not a destination, but a journey.”
Just as a map is essential for navigating a journey, it’s just as important in marriage to help guide you through the highs and lows as a couple. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman refers to this as a “love map.”
In essence, a love map is the mental picture you hold of your partner’s internal world. It encompasses their thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, preferences, and daily life. Gottman and Silver (2015) state that couples with detailed love maps are much better equipped to handle stressful events and conflict.
Creating a love map isn’t a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process that requires continuous discovery and attention. Here are some practical steps to help you begin:
Cultivate Curiosity About Your Partner
To truly know your partner, it’s important to maintain a sense of curiosity about them. While this curiosity is often present during courtship as you get acquainted, it can unfortunately diminish over time in marriage. It’s not uncommon for couples to feel like strangers after years together. To prevent this, make a conscious effort to stay curious about your partner’s life.
For example, if your partner starts a new hobby, show genuine interest by asking what motivated them to choose it and what they enjoy about it. Or, if your partner comes home from work and shares a story about a new colleague, respond with curiosity through engaged listening and thoughtful questions.
Schedule Regular Check-Ins
Just as the world evolves, so does your partner’s inner world. Their needs, perspectives, and dreams may differ significantly from what they were during courtship. Therefore, it’s important to regularly check in with your partner about their current life experiences.
To facilitate this, dedicate specific time for connection, such as date nights, shared meals, or evening walks. Use this time to openly share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and encourage your partner to do the same. During these interactions, minimize distractions by turning off mobile phones or the television to truly focus on listening to one another.
Focus on the Small Details
In addition to understanding the significant aspects of your partner’s life, such as their dreams and fears, it’s equally important to pay attention to the small details. These include their likes, dislikes, pet peeves, and favorite comfort foods. Knowing what coffee your partner typically orders or how they prefer their eggs cooked demonstrates your attentiveness and can be incredibly useful in navigating challenging moments.
Imagine how supportive it would be to offer your partner their favorite comfort food during a difficult time, simply because you remembered this detail in their love map. A little attention to detail can truly make a big difference.
Now that you’ve taken the first steps in building your partner’s love map, remember that it needs regular updates, much like a navigation app. So, when was the last time you updated your partner’s love map?
If you’re looking to strengthen your marital relationship and need counselling support, reach out to any FAM@FSC Centre. Our experienced counsellors are here to help you build a stronger, more loving relationship that benefits both you and your children.
Written by Eileen Chua, Senior Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.
