How Our Parenting Affects Our Child’s Attachment Style
Pixar’s ‘Inside Out’ movie shows us the power of emotions. Let’s explore how understanding these feelings can enhance our parenting journey. A meta-analysis review of 285 studies by Madigan and colleagues (2023) found that 51.6% of children across the globe showed a secure attachment style – where one feels safe to express vulnerable feelings and still be understood in times of stress (Maiberger, 2024). You can read “Ensuring Your Child’s Well-being: Attachment and Identity” to find out about the different attachment styles here.
Growing up, I am certain I did not belong to part of this statistic. I had heard so much about how insecure attachment develops in childhood, yet it was not until recently that I truly reflected on my early relationship with my father and how it influenced how I relate to others in adulthood.
“Being With”
We have six primary emotions: Anger, Curiosity, Fear, Joy, Sadness and Shame. As a child, I felt comfortable sharing Joy and Curiosity with my father. He would celebrate and explore the world with me. For Fear, it was a hit or miss. However, I could not express Anger, Sadness or Shame to him. I was ignored when I was sad, punished when I was angry and dismissed when I was in shame. I misunderstood these responses and assumed that there was something “wrong” with having these feelings.
Impact on the Self – Avoidant
Anger, Sadness and Shame were discouraged, and I learnt to manage them alone. I struggled to share vulnerable feelings and thoughts with others, especially in bad times. I would sleep off my feelings or only cry when I was alone at night. The irony and dilemma was that as a counsellor, I help my clients by providing non-judgmental listening ears and offering my presence as an empathetic person. But I could not do the same for myself. For a period, I believed that I could only rely on myself.
This shows that how we react to children’s emotions teaches them which feelings can be shared and which need to be hidden. Are some emotions more valid than others? Do we need to suppress some while celebrating others?
Developing Secure Attachment as an Adult or with Children – Is It Too Late?
The point of reflecting what I learned from my father has nothing to do with blaming him. It is simply a way to recognise which emotions I may struggle with so I can pay particular attention to “being with” my future children, my loved ones or even clients in those feelings.
Over the years, I have slowly worked towards becoming a securely attached individual. Barely. I feel relieved to know that if I have children one day, I can confidently help them manage vulnerable feelings. This takes effort, unlearning and relearning, openness and a lot of self-reflection. You may ask, is it too late? My answer is no.
If you are interested in learning how to become a safe emotional base for your children so that they and you can manage big feelings together, keep your eyes peeled for an upcoming Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) workshop that we have prepared for you!
For more information on the Circle of Security Parenting programme and family counselling: Email us at [email protected] or call 62355229 to find out more.
Written by: Trishia Ng, Counsellor, Fei Yue Community Services
Reflection Questions:
Which feelings did your caregiver always struggle to ‘Be With’ you in these feelings?
How do you think this affects how you are currently ‘Being With’ your child?
